Seeing with the Heart Read online

  “So you can see,” he said harshly. “I thought you told me your sight was fading?” He sounded almost accusatory, as though her new vision was some kind of a crime.

  “I thought it was,” Molly exclaimed. “I mean, it was fading in the darkness and I thought…” Her words trailed off as the full impact of what she was saying suddenly hit her. “I can see,” she whispered, looking around her with fresh wonder. “Braxx, I can really see. Not just blobby gold and red heat vision—I can actually see everything now!”

  “So I gathered,” he said shortly, crossing his arms over his broad chest.

  “I thought I was dreaming,” Molly whispered, still staring around the unfamiliar alien landscape. “Because of all the colors being wrong. But they’re not wrong for Tal’os Trenta.” She shook her head. “How did this happen? It must have to do with the Cha’llah—with being so close to it and having my crystal, uh, recharged. Do you think?”

  “Possibly.” He shrugged as though it was of little consequence.

  “But is it really real?” Molly murmured to herself. She had to be sure. She looked up at him again. “Pinch me.”

  “What?” He frowned at her fiercely. “Why would you ask me to do such a thing?”

  “To make sure I’m not dreaming.” Molly pinched herself, not waiting for him, and gave a little yip of pain. “Ouch! It’s true—I’m awake.”

  “Congratulations,” Braxx said shortly. “Now that we have established that, maybe we can get back to the village.”

  “Hey…” She put a hand on his arm. “What is it? What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy for me—I can see—really see—for the first time in over twenty years!”

  “I’m very pleased for you,” he growled, not sounding a bit pleased. “Come, we need to get to the village before nightfall. We have been underground for many hours.”

  He started off again, walking so quickly Molly had to trot to keep up with him. His surly attitude surprised and hurt her. Why was he so angry at her? Because it was clear to her that he was—the big Kindred was bubbling with fury and hurt, just under his stony surface.

  “Hey,” she said, coming up on his left side and touching his arm. “Braxx, come on, please…”

  “What do you want?” He strode on, his chin lifted as he stared straight ahead, not looking at her.

  “Did…did I hurt you with my question earlier about your…” Molly made a motion with her hand to her own face, trying to think how to put it.

  “About my face, do you mean? About the hideous, disfiguring scars I wear?” He stopped suddenly and leaned down, pushing his face into hers. “Take a good look, Molly—I know you want to. Everyone does—they stare and stare when they think I’m not looking and then they drop their eyes like cowards the moment they see me noticing their interest.”

  Molly felt taken aback but she tried not to show it.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, trying to be gentle. “I truly didn’t mean to hurt you, Braxx. I thought I was in the middle of a really, uh, strange dream. I didn’t know this…” She waved a hand. “Didn’t know any of this was real. And, well…I was startled when I saw you, because you’d never given me any indication that, um…”

  “That I looked like a monster?” he demanded.

  “No, I would never—”

  “A monster,” he repeated. “Do you know that little children sometimes start crying at the sight of me? And I don’t fucking blame them!”

  “Oh, Braxx…” She reached for him but he pulled away.

  “No. I don’t want your pity or your disgust.”

  “I’m not disgusted, just surprised,” Molly protested. “But this doesn’t have to change anything between us. Braxx, please—was it the crash you told me about? Is that when…when it happened?”

  But he seemed completely unwilling to talk about it anymore.

  “Come,” he said shortly, pulling away from her. “We have a long way to go.”

  And that was the last thing Molly was able to get from him until they reached the village.

  * * * * *

  Braxx strode along, his heart aching and sore in his chest. The left side of his face felt as though someone had dipped it in lead—as though it was a weight pulling him down to the bottom of a pond of pure misery.

  He knew he was behaving badly but he couldn’t seem to help it. He ought to be happy for Molly—she had regained her sight entirely—she could truly see for the first time since the terrible accident which had stolen both her sight and her parents. She was healed.

  Where is my healing, though? whispered a bitter little voice in the back of his head. I gave up any chance I might have had to be rid of these scars once and forever—gave it up for her.

  Deep down, he knew he didn’t regret it—didn’t regret going through the living Cha’llah to get to her. Hell, he would do it again if he had to. But it was hard to stomach the fact that his sacrifice had actually lost him the woman he loved.

  Because why would she want to be with him now? How could she now that she had seen his face—really seen it—and knew what he looked like?

  She’ll never want to be with me again, he thought, his stride fast and angry as he made his way to the village of the Top Dwellers. It will be Danella all over again. She won’t want to be seen with me, won’t want anyone to think she’s mine. She won’t want to belong to a monster—what woman would?

  It was over now—any hope he’d had of claiming her as his own and forming a life with her had died the moment she asked what had happened to his face. He had nothing but a life of misery and loneliness to look forward to.

  The Wise One had said he would have to lose his last hope in order to get Molly back from the depths and she had been right. His last hope indeed. He had given it up and now he knew it wasn’t the hope of being healed that he had lost…it was the hope of having Molly as his mate. The Cha’llah had taken it from him. It was gone and there was no getting it back.

  Behind him, Molly was nearly running to keep up but Braxx didn’t slow his pace a bit. As long as he kept in front of her, she wouldn’t have to look at the scarred and mangled ruin of his face.

  That was the way Braxx wanted it and so he walked on, his heart heavy and sore, wishing he had died in the crash that had taken his brother. Wishing he had never met her.

  Wishing he had never been born.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Welcome, welcome, Molly from the Stars!” sang the Wise One.

  “Thank you, thank you,” Molly sang back. She tried to keep her attention on the greeting but her heart was so troubled it was hard to concentrate. Braxx had left her here at the Wise One’s hut, saying he needed to log in at the ship and check with Commander Sylvan as they were supposed to do every few days.

  But Molly knew the truth. He just wanted an excuse to get away from me, she thought sadly. Why is he so angry with me? Because I can see again and so I saw his face? He should have told me what to expect and maybe I wouldn’t have acted so surprised. But if he would just listen…

  “Your body is here but your heart and mind are elsewhere, Molly from the Stars,” the Wise One murmured, bringing her back from her troubled thoughts.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry, Wise One. It’s just…Braxx and I had a, uh, disagreement.”

  “That one has wounds which will never heal if he does not expose them to the light.” The Wise One nodded her head knowingly. “But I see that being in the Depths has done you some good—your healing crystal is full to the brim with the light of the Cha’llah.”

  “Yes.” Molly tried to smile and feel some of the joy she’d first had when she realized the crystal was working to give her back her normal sight. “Yes, Wise One—I can see now—really see everything in detail. My sight is as good as it was before the accident I had that took it away.”

  “Ah, very good.” A wide smile creased the Wise One’s wrinkled face. “I knew the Cha’llah would find you worthy of complete healing, child.”

  “I am beyond grateful, but…” M
olly hesitated.

  “Say on, child. What is your question?” The Wise One cocked her head to one side.

  “Well… how long will it last, do you think?” Molly asked cautiously. “I mean, it seemed like it was fading for a while when I was down in the Depths and I just wasn’t sure…”

  “The crystal was changing in order to better suit your needs, Molly from the Stars,” the older woman explained. “As for the time it will last, a healing crystal with this much power will continue to do a small daily healing for you for many years—even, perhaps, until the end of your life.”

  “Really? That long?” Molly smiled. “That’s wonderful.”

  “Or…” The Wise One raised one wrinkled finger in warning. “Or it will do one large healing. If you are injured and your life is in danger, the healing energy of the Cha’llah will be used up in saving your life. The Cha’llah flows where it is most needed. But as long as you remain healthy and do nothing to injure yourself, it should continue to flow to your eyes.”

  “Okay, that makes sense, I guess.” Molly nodded. “Thank you, Wise One.”

  “Be cautious with that crystal, Molly from the Stars,” the Wise One said. “I have never seen anyone gifted with so much healing energy at once. It may well be that if you squander it, the Cha’llah will refuse you any more.”

  “Meaning that I can’t get it, uh, recharged again, right?” Molly asked. She lightly touched the warm, glowing tear-drop shaped crystal which still rested between her eyes. “All right—I’ll be careful with it, I promise. And I’m glad the sacred Cha’llah found me worthy of healing.” She sighed. “I just wish…”

  “Wish what, my child?” the Wise One prompted.

  “I wish it could have healed Braxx too. Healed his face, I mean.”

  “Why do you say so?” The older woman looked at her sharply, her one large eye narrowing to almost the size of her tiny, Deep Dweller-sized eye. “Can you not love him looking as he does?”

  “Of course I can love him!” Molly exclaimed passionately. “He went through the Cha’llah to save me—did you know that? And I thought he cared for me but now he’s just so angry and distant and cold.” She ran a hand through her hair. “So it’s not that I can’t love him looking the way he does, but it seems like he can’t love himself.” She sighed. “And if you hate yourself…well, that makes it really hard to love anybody else. I should know—I went through that for a little while after I lost my sight.”

  The Wise One shook her head.

  “I told him to beware of the Cha’llah—that touching it would freeze his outer self if his inner self was not healed.”

  “Freeze it? What does that mean?”

  “The power of the Cha’llah works in mysterious ways, child.” The Wise One shook her head. “I am afraid that because he went into it with hurt in his heart, his face is now destined to always show that hurt. I cannot heal his scars with any crystal—they are as they are and shall ever be.”

  “What?” Molly felt like crying. “And you say he knew this would happen if he touched the Cha’llah?”

  The Wise One nodded. “I warned him several times.”

  “But he did it anyway, for me,” Molly whispered. “Was he just fulfilling his vow to keep me safe…or does he really care?”

  “Only Braxx from the Sky can answer that,” the Wise One said. “But for now—”

  Suddenly the door of her hut burst open and Braxx appeared.

  “Forgive me for not clapping and asking entrance, Wise One.” His face was pale and strained—the right side, anyway. The left side looked like a frozen mask.

  Frozen because of me. I’m the reason he can never be healed, Molly thought and felt a rush of guilt.

  “I grant you my forgiveness, Braxx from the Sky.” The Wise One nodded regally. “What is it you must say so urgently?”

  “Thank you, Wise One. Molly,” he said, looking at her. “I’ve just spoken to Commander Sylvan. Apparently the threat posed by the Hive has become exponentially more dangerous. The Mothership is recalling all outside personnel.”

  “Really?” Molly’s heart sank. “But we just got here!”

  “I know and I’m sorry. But…” he hesitated for a moment. “There’s something else. A message about your assistant.”

  “About Denise? Is she okay?” Molly felt an icy finger of dread go down her spine. “What happened to her?”

  “I believe she’s well,” Braxx said quickly. “But her intended mate is not.”

  “Scott?” Molly jumped up from the place by the red crystal fire where she’d been sitting with the Wise One. “I thought he was getting better or I wouldn’t have left! Did he…is he dead?” she asked in a whisper.

  “Not yet.” Braxx sounded grim. “But I fear he is not long for this world, at least, so said the message Commander Sylvan received. He said your assistant didn’t wish to worry you and asked that he hold the message until the end of your assignment. But since we are being recalled anyway, I thought—”

  “Yes, thank you for telling me.” Molly ran a hand through her hair distractedly. “Oh, poor Denise—she and Scott are so in love! I have to get back to her—have to be with her and help her through this.” She turned to the Wise One. “I’m so sorry, Wise One—I wanted to stay and know the People. But now we have to go.”

  “I understand, child. I always knew you would not be with us long.” The Wise One got up and enfolded her in a warm embrace. “Go and may the power of the Cha’llah light your way in dark places.”

  “Thank you, thank you,” Molly sang, remembering Tal’ossi protocol one last time. “You’ve been so kind to me. I can never repay you.” She touched the crystal at her forehead. “Thank you for my sight, Wise One.”

  “That was given to you by the will of the Cha’llah,” the older woman said calmly. “Use it wisely, Molly from the Stars.”

  “I will.” Molly felt tears pricking her eyes and her new vision was suddenly blurry. She hugged the older woman back hard. “I’ll never forget you. And I will try to come back and finish getting to know the People if I can.”

  The Wise One shook her head. “It is my feeling that we will never meet again but I will carry the memory of you in my heart always. Now go—your friend needs you badly. It is in my mind that you may yet save her grief.”

  Molly didn’t see how that was possible—if Scott was dying or was already dead, Denise was going to be devastated. But having gone through the deep pain of loss herself, she knew she could at least be there to support her friend during her grieving.

  “Let’s go,” she said to Braxx. “There’s no time to lose.”

  He nodded shortly. “I already have the ship warmed up and Commander Sylvan is having the Mothership fold space for us as we speak. Come.”

  Molly took one last look around the rustic little hut with its red crystal hearth, grass mats, and leaf-stuffed cushions and at the Wise One herself with her blue-gray skin and purple hair. She wanted to commit everything to memory because she too, had the feeling she wouldn’t be coming back.

  Then she gave the Wise One a last hug and left. It was time to get back to Earth and see what she could do to help Denise.

  * * * * *

  The trip back was a silent one. Molly had gone to the back to change out of her negus and back into Earth clothes but now she seemed preoccupied with worries of her friend and Braxx really had nothing to say. Just as the Wise One had predicted she would never see them again, he had the same feeling about Molly—that once he took her back down to Earth and left her there, they would never meet again.

  The thought made him feel like someone was carving out his heart with a dull knife. The idea of never seeing her sweet face, never holding her in his arms, never breathing in her sweet, fresh scent or tasting her lips ever again was torture. Worse than torture, it was…

  Stop it, he told himself angrily. It’s for the best and you know it. She would never want to be seen with you now that she knows how you look. And even if she could look pa
st your scars, as Danella was never able to do, do you really think she’d still want you if she knew about the inner scars you bear? If she knew what you did after the crash?

  She couldn’t want him—no woman would—Braxx knew that well enough. So he kept his mouth shut and said nothing as he flew them through the rift in space and back to Earth. The usual protocol was to go back to the Mothership first for a debriefing on their mission but Commander Sylvan had given permission to delay that in light of what was happening to Molly’s assistant.

  Braxx only spoke to her as they were breaching the atmosphere of Earth and the broad peninsula of the state of Florida was growing in the viewscreen.

  “Where do you want me to take you?” he asked Molly, who had been tapping anxiously on her phone the moment they got within range.

  “Denise says they’re still at Tampa General. She says… Oh dear.” Molly’s eyes were bright with tears as she read the text. “She says Scott is almost gone. Please, Braxx—can you hurry? I have to get to her!”

  “I will fly as fast as my ship permits me to,” Braxx said gravely and added. “You are…a good friend.”

  “I just wish I could spare her this grief.” Molly swiped at her eyes. “I know how awful it is to lose the people you love. I wish she didn’t have to feel that.”

  “It is the worse feeling in the world,” Braxx acknowledged gravely. “Knowing that there is nothing you can do to save them. Realizing you will never see the one you love so dearly again.”

  His words seemed to shake Molly out of her worry and preoccupation for a moment. She looked up at him, her eyes wide.

  “Braxx,” she began. “We really need to talk. I think—”

  “We are here.” He sat the little ship down neatly right in front of the entrance to the hospital. “Hadn’t you better go to your friend?”

  “I will but…will you be here when I get back?”

  “Negative,” Braxx said blandly. “I must get back to the Mothership and report to Commander Sylvan. He gave permission for you to delay your debriefing but he said nothing about mine.”